Responsibility in Relationship: Response-Ability Over Reaction
Responsibility is one of those words we throw around easily — especially in conflict.
“You’re not taking responsibility!”
“Why do I have to be the responsible one?”
“They hurt me — shouldn’t they be held responsible?”
But what do we really mean when we say someone is “responsible”? Is it the same as being to blame? Is it about fixing something? Apologising? Doing what the other person wants?
Let’s pause — and go deeper.
Responsibility ≠ Culpability
In moments of tension, people often confuse responsibility with culpability — the idea that someone must be at fault. From there, a carceral logic takes over:
“You caused me pain, so you must make it stop.”
“If you won’t do what I want, then you’re not taking responsibility.”
But that’s not responsibility — that’s control. It positions the other person as the cause of your internal experience, and places the burden of soothing on them. This dynamic creates dependency, manipulation, and ultimately, resentment.
For clarity: this blog is about the pain of emotional discomfort — not physical violence or abuse, where different forms of responsibility and safety apply.
True Responsibility Is a State of Being, Not an Act of Doing
Responsibility, at its core, is response-ability — the capacity to stay present, to witness your own experience, and to act (if at all) from that place of presence. It’s not the act itself, but the intention behind the act. It is grounded, non-reactive, and attuned.
Reaction is what happens when we try to discharge discomfort.
Responsibility is what happens when we stay with discomfort long enough to choose an aligned response.
Responsibility is presence in motion. It is loving awareness meeting experience.
Relational Responsibility: Where Boundaries Meet
In a relationship, we are not isolated. We are in a shared space — a field where two differentiated humans link. So what does responsibility look like here?
Let’s say I text my partner during the day and he doesn’t reply. I feel alone and believe that he is ignoring me. My responsibility is to notice, allow, and hold that pain with kindness. That’s self-response — the first responder to my own experience.
I might then choose to share that experience with him:
“When I didnt get a response to my text today I felt sad.”
This is not to blame him, but to let my authentic self be seen. Vulnerability is an invitation — not a demand.
What If They Don’t Do What I Want?
Here’s where it gets tricky.
If I request a specific action — say, “Can you please check your phone during your breaks at work?” — and he says no, is he failing to take responsibility in the relationship?
No. He’s maintaining his own boundaries.
True response-ability allows for choice. He might:
- Be willing to act on my request
- Say no, but still remain present, loving, and curious
- Say no, and emotionally withdraw (i.e. become non-responsive)
Only in the third case would we say he’s not being response-able. Refusing to act does not mean refusing to care.
Avoiding the Drama Triangle
If, in response to my vulnerability, my partner jumps to solutions or defensiveness, he may be slipping into a reactive role — rescuer, persecutor, or victim — in what’s known as the drama triangle (link to blog).
If I, in turn, demand that he fix my feelings, I am abandoning my own self-regulation and disempowering both of us. This turns discomfort into a negotiation or power struggle, rather than a moment of connection.
Projection and Denial Are Two Sides of the Same Coin
When I expect the other person to soothe me by doing what I want, I project responsibility onto them.
When I avoid acknowledging my pain altogether, I deny my experience.
Both are boundary violations — one external, one internal. Both cause harm, erode trust, and lead to disconnection.
How to Practise Healthy Responsibility
- Own your experience. You don’t need to blame yourself or others. Simply acknowledge what’s true.
- Express clearly. Share what’s happening in your internal world without coercion or entitlement.
- Stay open to ‘no’. Let the other person have their own boundary and choice.
- Request, don’t demand. Asking for something is an invitation, not a condition for love.
- Tend your own nervous system. If you’re dysregulated, pause. Breathe. Feel your feet. Return to self.
Responsibility Is Shared — But Not Symmetrical
In healthy relationships, both people are responsible — not for each other’s emotions, but for their own presence in the shared space.
It’s my responsibility to ask for what I need without invading your sense of self.
It’s your responsibility to hear me without taking on more than is yours.
We meet — not in control, blame, or perfection — but in truth.
Responsibility is where boundaries meet, not where they blur.
Reflection Practice
Next time you feel pain in relationship:
- Pause. Before speaking or acting, feel into your body.
- Ask yourself: Am I responding or reacting?
- Speak truthfully: Try saying, “I’m feeling [X] right now. I don’t need you to fix it — I just want to share it.”
- Make a request: If appropriate, ask for what you want — but stay open to a no.
Response-ability is a practice. You don’t have to get it right — you just have to stay with it.